Archive for September 2011

Letting Go of Hate   Leave a comment

Hate is an interesting concept. It is almost always self-righteous, out of control, and a reflection of self. Maybe it is time to let go of hate.

There is this boy in my Chinese class (he was in my class last year as well) whom I could say I hate. And I have never hated someone before. He is disrespectful to the student teacher and calls her “xiao lao shi”, which in Chinese, is very disrespectful and implies that the person called that is a cheat and a thief. He also teases and laughs at the non-native speakers who struggle with the tones of Chinese (Chinese is incredibly difficult to learn to speak, because there are four tones. Words can mean different things if the emphasis is placed differently.) and is disruptive, constantly making snide comments about others. He seems to think he is better than every one else, and feels a need to berate everyone else. On top of that, what he laughs at other for, he himself does. Maybe he is insensitive and immature and malicious and disrespectful. But so what? Maybe that’s the kind of environment he comes from. Maybe he feels the need to assert himself. Either way, I have no right to judge. Who am I to judge him? I would be no different from him if I pushed him down in an effort towards justice, similar to how he pushes others down for no obvious reason. There are definitely things I have to change about myself first. I am sure that there are times when I am accidentally or intentionally obnoxious, and I need to be thinking about how I treat other people before I berate others for doing the same.

Also, I’ve noticed that when I get annoyed at him, my emotions fall out of check and I have no self-control. If I was brave enough, I would punch him. However, I am too afraid of getting in trouble and overdoing it that I do not openly and confidently voice my opinion. Maybe I myself am not confident and aware of myself enough. If I was, I wouldn’t be afraid of saying what I really feel. I am afraid of losing control. So, maybe it would be best for me to let go of this hate. This hate is eating me from the inside out. It’s not helpful to me, it is, to put it in an utterly unoriginal way, throwing bad karma out there and making people wary of me without understanding where I am coming from. Take a deep breath. Let go of this hate. Unless I plan on doing something to change the situation, there is no need to hold all this bad feeling inside to fester. You know, that’s the thing. If you see something you want to criticize someone else for, it’s a reminder to check whether or not you yourself are doing the thing you want to criticize, and if you are, a reminder to work on it. For me, it annoys me a ton when my mom leaves pens uncapped around the house, but I leave retractable pens clicked out all the time, so I try to remember to retract them when I’m done. Little things like that, I’m much more responsible about them now, and so is she :). This is a small example, but the theory works in practice.

Today, I think I’ve grown up a little bit more.



Posted September 28, 2011 by aderyngrace in Uncategorized

Appreciating Time   Leave a comment

What is the meaning of life? What can I do today to stop wasting time? One cannot truly understand how valuable life is until they risk losing it. But every day, we can appreciate more. Today, I appreciate my brother. He has gone left for college, and for the first time in my life, I am not living with him. I miss him so much. I know that I must begin to let him go, that he is going out in the world to live his own life. No more silly pillow fights, arguing over who is better at SET, or just talking about life as we fall asleep. He’s not just my brother anymore, he’s a young man, someone’s son, someone’s boyfriend, someone’s best friend. 🙂 Now, I can begin to fully understand how much he has taught me. He taught me how to read when I was two, how to swim when I was three. He explained what DNA was when I first started learning bio. He was a friend, a mentor, a brother. And more importantly, he gave me something that isn’t quite possible to put in to words, something that flits around and disappears the moment you turn around and try to put your finger on it.

Today, I know that I have not disciplined myself. It is nearly 5:00 PM on a Sunday, and I haven’t finished my homework yet. Now that I look back on it, I realize that I cannot even recall what I have been doing. And no, I don’t drink. So, I end this note with a promise to myself. I’ve wasted enough of my time already, and I can’t take it for granted anymore. I will make tomorrow meaningful.

Maybe this is what love is, wanting to make yourself better for someone. Maybe until I understand this, I can not love deeply and fully. Something to ponder for tomorrow.


Posted September 25, 2011 by aderyngrace in Home